Saturday, November 29, 2008

Overprotective parents

Nope, aint no love topic today, but because of some issues, i decided to talk about something some of us had experience / are experiencing,even at the age of 20-25 or maybe older. This is gona be quite a lengthy one!! Overprotective Parents. What they always say, 'we just want the best for you' and that is usually what the parents are actually trying to accomplish. Some parents know where to cut off a child’s limits but some parents go to far and don’t give their children enough privileges. They set super early curfews, dont't allow you to date (when you are actually old enough), Always calling you when you head out, and many more unreasonable rules. So what are the effects of an over protective parent?

Too Sheltered, Not ready for the world
Scenario ONE

: 'Mom! Dad!,its the holidays, and instead of wasting My time ROTTING at home,i found this awesome job, which pays really well!! *excited!! ' (expectin mom/dad to be HAPPY for her)

Mom/Dad: ' No , you go cancel that job application NOW. We're not allowing you to work,
you either work or study! Your choice. ''

Daughter: ''But its only during the holidays!! I do not wish to do nothing at home, i want to work and earn some form of income for myself! I want to learn, ''

Mom/Dad: ''You dont know what the outside world is like, you are too immature,Now go cancel that job application.''

Well,Overprotection can cause kids to be unready for the real world. When the kids do get out into the real world, they don’t know how to handle it. They sometimes react very seriously. Some have panic attacks and are more likely to have panic disorders when they get older. This is caused by not being able to do things by themselves while they grew up. Their parents are always there making sure they are all right and that they weren’t experiencing any pain or discomfort. When children grow up, they need to make their own mistakes and experience failure a few times. No one is perfect, everyone has to mess up at some point.


Scenario TWO

Dad, Mom. Im sixteen now. And there's this certain someone that likes me, and because i respect you, i come forward and ask you for your permission to accept him. He is a nice person, with good education and background. And all of my friend's parents have accepted their son/daughter's other half.

Mom/Dad: No! I dont want you having a boyfriend. You 'friends' are not my children. I. DO. NOT. CARE! You know all along that i have disaproved. NO!

Daughter: But mom, you said i could have a boyfriend at 16. And now you are telling me otherwise? And because i respect you, i come to you. Knowing very well that somehow you will reject, but still.....

Mom/Dad: If you continue with him, i will go LOOK for that boy myself and get him away from you. YOU ARE NOT EVEN TO HAVE, GUY FRIENDS,HEAR ME!?! (friends that are guys!)
Daughter: Not even guy friends?...................

We become rebellious. we get tired of not being able to go with our friends or go places because ''we are too young''. Even though in some case the children are old enough and are capable of making good decision on their own. “We teens NEED to make our own decisions and make our own friends. We even need to do a certain amount of risk-taking. The parents' job is to facilitate these developmental stages, not try to delay or prevent them. I have observed that when parents are overprotective, teens are often over-rebellious.

We then go ahead and become rebellious, we go against their 'absurb rules' and start lying to them. Because we do not want to dissapoint them. AS MUCH as we do not want to lie to them, and AS MUCH as we want to share everything with them and tell them all the awesome things that happened, we CANT! And when they find out, they accuse us and call us LIARS and DO NOT TRUST US ANYMORE! How fair is that?!
ITS NOT LIKE WE ENJOY LYING TO THEM!!! But if we tell them the truth, they would not agree!! So what is the point of telling the truth to them?!? And when you try to talk to them and talk reason out with them, they actually come up with the stupidest reasons ever. ''You're not mature enough '' (when are we ever mature to you guys?) '' you cant go out,6pm its late'' . Any Reason just so You, will actually comply to their rules!

Overly Shy

Scenario THREE

Sarah, is always keeping to herself in school. she has no friends and dare not do anything, because she is always kept away from doing alot of things, because her parent's are afraid that she will get hurt. In other words, no life.

Some children become overly shy. This happens because the children are afraid of people and the real world because they were never given the chance to interact and develop their people skills!!! And they only keep to themselves. Because they are shy and not confident!!!

To Sum Things Up

Sometimes, its NOT good being over protective. Its normal to be protective but not OVER. Parents DO want the best for their children but, they need to understand that sometimes how we act , is not something that we want to do, we do not want to intentionally make them angry or purposely get on their nerves. We are NOT that sadistic!! We love our parents Very much! But,Sometimes i think they should ask themselves why , first before pointing their fingers at their children.

Parents should understand that young people have a right to be heard, but there are effective ways to go about making points and there are ways which are counterproductive. young people who are experiencing "smother love" should study their parents and try to understand their attitudes and motives. These kids should keep the lines of communication open and try to identify the influences which may cause parents to be uptight about some of their choices.

What do you think of over protective parents? Comments will be moderated :) But this is only my opnion. Everyone is allowed to express their opinions too!


justin_5 said...

parents are liddat..maybe they think it is for their own son/daugthers good.. if this happens..i suggest to let stuff cool off like for a day or two.. then slow talk with yer parents.. hohoho.. thats my advice to my friends..

but sometimes shit happens when parents are too nice .. some sons/daugther take their freedom for granted.. like if they are allowed to go out at midnight once.. they expect it to happen everytime they ask to go out on midnight.. juz an example..

p/s:maybe u think like who the heck i know ur bf in a gathering liddat.. hohoho.. chow..

-zonked` said...

i don't exactly know which situation you are in, that is if you are even in one but i guess many would tell you that all parents are the same.

While i do not disagree, many times it really depends on the communication between the kid and the parents. Quoting your first example about heading out to work, parents who can afford to let their kids spend ALOT of money usually won't want their kids to earn at a young age. There are several reasons and like what you mentioned, they are overprotective (not giving you a chance to learn etc etc) but to put it in another perspective, it might be well because they know how tough the outside world is and they won't wanna let you go through what they have went through so they would rather provide for you. I always believe there is room for negotiation, maybe you could let your parents pick you up after work or something, so they are sure you are working and not running elsewhere after that.

Talking about relationships is a bit tricky here. i'm 20, turning 21 in a couple of months and my mum still nags about having a bf. BUT i have to tell you. HONESTY is really the best policy to have. PARENTS WILL appreciate honesty when they discuss about kids and realize other parents don't hear anything from their kids about dating. if you do tell your parents about ur love and all, good for you. let them know, talk to them.. why you're telling them is because you don't wanna hide anything from them. :))

just my 2cents worth:). i hope you don't mind.


Yi Ling said...

parents actually do understand us. it's just a matter of how they express it. no doubt parents would love to see their child successful and go through life in the most painless manner. so they protect their child from young. yupps. i know cos i'm like that -.- if you throw me into the society now right, i will die a tragic death. LOL.

Venessa ♥♥ said...

zonked, i know honesty is the best policy. but here's the case, parents are so unreasonable, that they do not even allow to have friends that are guys! And, much less get into a relationship.

like i already said, as much as the kid wants to tell their parents about her relationship, she knows that her parents will object,she did try to talk to them. but they said no, flat! No room for discussion at all. End of discussion!

But things like a relationship, you cannot, stop. End your relationship because your parents think its wrong to even talk to guys? She has no choice but to hide the relationship from her parents.She already tried talking to them. But, without even thinking they said no.

She has no choice but to lie to them, and hide her relationship. Believe me, its not something she wants to do. but she is pushed to one corner and is left with no other choice but to do that.

what do you suggest then? case of overprotective parent?

Venessa ♥♥ said...

Justin, i dont think it's a case of communication breakdown. It's not a matter of being nice or not! It's the whole overprotective issue.

You can let them out, but set a curfew at a more reasonable time, maybe 8 or 9. And let them mingle around. Do not give in too much, yet do not be too overprotective.

The whole issue is not about parents being nice.It's about parents that are still leashing
onto their children so tightly.
they have to let loose abit.
because i believe that if you hold on to your kids too much.

when you finally let them go,
they will be new to alot of things
and will want to try out many things and go wild. therefore,
the situation will get worse. No?

Anws, oh, you knw my bf.nice to meet you :)

Venessa ♥♥ said...

Yi Ling. Yesh. exactly my point.
even you said it yourself that if we throw you into the society now right, i will die a tragic death.

And why is that so? because you are too sheltered. Because parents are over protective. And when you grow up. You know that the society out there is ugly but you will not know how to handle it.

Compared to young people, who has experiences since young, because they might have worked part time before during the holidays. And when they grow up, they know how to handle situations better and know hw to survive the ugly society out there.

Lavender. said...

hahahahah omg are you talking about your own parents? 'Cause they sound exactly like my parents!

My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 15 (we're 17 now) and my parents went crazy so I had to lie to them and say that we broke up or i'll never be allowed to step out of the house again!

It's simple for people to ramble on about honesty. People whose parents are only moderately protective or very understanding, etc.etc. It's so easy for them to say. But it's a different thing with them.

I know I should be giving self righteous, morally correct advice here, like everyone else. But I can't.

I think you should continue seeing the person you love, even if your parents do not agree. I continued seeing my boyfriend and he has been amazing these past 3years. I would never have gotten through so much without him.

Just that minimize the lying, you know? You're already lying about the boyfriend thing, maybe it's best to drop the thing with the job first. You gotta choose your battles.

Good luck. =D

dweam said...

hey girl. i suppose we inevitably go thru this stage at any one point. and the numerical age at which we currently at shouldnt be a measure of how mature one is.


parents will always be overprotective because it's in their nature but eventually they will learn to let go. maybe you can ask for a compromise of sorts esp with the job thing? like u can work maybe 2 times a week and will be home by a certain time. it's about trust and this trust has to be earned of cos.

if you can put your bargaining skills to work, you get some, they get some and everyone wins! =))

k@i-cHi said... mum is totally like what you've mentioned above. Extreme that is...

justin_5 said...

btw..i notice like.. if a girl have a older sister say like..she was 16 her sister was like 20..their parents would give the 16 more freedom.. rather than those eldest is 16.. dunno why parents is liddat la.. maybe coz edi biasa let the 20 go out.. then when the 16 asks for it.. they ok felt like normal d.. Hohoho..
Btw...mind telling which situation ur in? ngeh ngeh ngeh..but i think a.. ur in all 3 of those situation la.. nvm.. be patient.. ur freedom will come soon.. i pray for u arh..

Wenny said...

Hi, I am a parent. My son's 17. I don't consider myself, over-protective and my son's no angel, cos like you all, he wants freedom to do what he likes just like his peers. For us, my husband and me, we value honesty. With honesty, there is always room for negotiation. We can be reasonable as along as it does not affect his studies. But teenagers most of the times, so MISUNDERSTOOD their parents. They want means want, no buts!

But in your case of totally unreasonable over-protective parents, well I don't agree with being over-protective either.
Lie if you have to but remember that the RESPONSIBIITY is on your own shoulder, yours ALONE, to prove yourself the mature person you think you are. Make sure you do not make life-changing mistakes like 'unprotected sex' or 'getting pregnant' or contracting some diseases. If you continue with your lie, then make you are mature enough to cry back to your parents when you get into trouble. Parents are parents, they only want to protect you all the time. Even if they find out ultimately, hurt of course, they will still be there for you. Just remember that! Give them that much RESPECT!

Venessa ♥♥ said...

Hi wenny, it's good to hear from the point of view of a parent. I must say you sound like

Like i said, We really do want to be honest with our parents. Do not wish to lie to them. We really want them to be part of everything,and be happy for us!

There's always room for negotiation?
Tried and done that. No means No.
No buts too. And when asked for a reasonable explanation. They give general reasons like "you're immature still" . I know parents want the best for us. i never denied that. Never doubted that. And of course i know that no matter what happens , they will always be there for us.

But it all comes down to the lying dosent it. If parents can actually give in abit. Especially when it comes to things like being in a relationship. You cannot expect your kid to break up just like that.It is afterall a relationship, no matter how old we are, be it a serious relationship or not. we would not have to lie, if it werent for that.

Compare to a family, whose parents agree to the relationship, we teens will love to talk to our parents, whenever something crops up.And get advices from them. And at least our parents will know about our relationship,whats going on, and things like pregnancy will be prevented? and be able to trust you more. Isn't that so much better compared to not allowing and going through the whole lying process, which will get worse if they actually catch you lying? And they do not even know what you are up to?

Think about it. We respect our parents we love them.We want to be honest with them. They are the ones not letting us.You dont shut off to your children and say NO immediately without even thinking about the situation. Try to think of it from our point of view. We try to reach out, but gets turned down immediately. harsh much?

justin_5 said...

calm down venessa *fans*..

Venessa ♥♥ said...

haha justin, thanks ! xD
Calmed alr.

JustJasmine said...

It is actually cool to know parents are protective. To know that they care and love us enough to prevent us from getting hurt.

When my dad tries being protective, I actually have the joy inside but I hide it. But I know deep down he does that because I'm Daddy's Girl. :)

But over-protective-ness is of course less desired. Maybe parents should learn to give their children a little space, just a little.

Curfew at 10pm at the age of 16 is not so bad what ;)

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